Cheeky Quotes

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Where Did April Go?

Holy cow I can't believe that it is already May!  Katie's birthday is Saturday and I haven't even made her invitations yet!  Yesterday I went with my mom to pick up her two new dogs she adopted from the vet.  They had both been fixed.  The black lab she named Izzy is so sweet and the Doberman that I picked out is named Moose.  He really likes me and I taught him how to sit in like five minutes yesterday! He is huge and strong and he is going to be staying with me for several months while he is treated for heartworms.  I have a feeling he is going to end up being my dog because he is going to get so bonded to me while I take care of him during his treatment time.  I just hope he gets along with Suzi and the ferrets and that he makes it through his treament okay.  I can't believe someone just dumped these beautiful dogs out to die when they are so sweet.  All either of them wants to do is sit in front of you and be petted and petted and petted.  I think they know we saved them and they are so starved for love.  As much as I spoil animals I know Moose is going to get plenty of love at my house.  My mom didn't really want him but I talked her into it because I just couldn't stand to think he was going to be put to sleep because he has heartworms.  She is scared of him because he is so big, so she wants me to train him and since I used to train dogs for therapy for the Humane Society years ago, I think I'll be able to do a good job with him.  Everyone says my dog Suzi is the most well behaved dog they have ever seen.  I even trained my ferrets.  I love animals and at one time wanted to work with animals, but now thanks to lupus, it diesn't look like I'll be working at anything but staying alive. :-(

I am in a lot of pain today.  It almost feels like it's going to rain or something.  It figures that the day I need to go to town and get stuff for Katie's party, I feel like staying in bed all day.  I haven't even ordered her cake!  I don't deserve Mother's Day this year...I've been so sick that I really haven't been that great of a mom.  Frozen dinners or drive thrus or grilled cheese have been the staple menus around here since I've been sick because I just can't spare the energy to do all the cooking and cleaning up the kitchen.  I don't remember seeing GUILT on the list of lupus symptoms, but it's sure on mine.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Insensitive People are Very Hurtful

Last night I was up nearly all night in pain and feeling in general like crap physically, but the good news was that I was feeling happy for the first time in weeks because of rescuing those dogs.  Altruism gives me a natural high.  I feel really good psychologically when ever I feel that I have done something to make a positive difference in the world.  After weeks of a fairly debilitating depression, adopting those dogs with my parents was a huge pick me up.  But when it was time to go to sleep last night my throbbing kidneys and joints and head would not allow much more than a few cat naps here and there.  So when it was time to get up and get ready for church I was feeling awful.  I had an incredible migraine causing overwhelming nausea and for some reason even though my bladder felt ready to burst, I was unable to urinate.  This has happened to me before and I have been told that urine blockage is yet another trick in Lupus' bag, especially when you are having kidney involvement like I am.  It was sooo painful and I felt such an urge to go and nothing was happening!  I called my mom and told her I was in no shape to make it to church and asked her if she would let Katie (my 10 yr old daughter) ride to church with her so I could stay home and try to get rested and well enough to be able to teach my youth group tonight.  I spent the whole day resting and suffering with this awful migraine and waves of nausea sweeping over me. By the late afternoon it was obvious that I was not in any condition to go up to the church and run my youth group, so I called my sister because she teaches the younger class.  I asked her if she could just do a game night or a movie night with the kids at church because I was too sick to go teach my group.  She texts me back that Kaleb (my 2 yr old nephew) has a 105 degree fever and she is going to have to take him to the doctor so she isn't going to church either.  I knew better than to ask my mom for help because she had been working on homework for her doctorate classes and I'm sure she would have felt overwhelmed if I asked her.  So I called Mary, my co-commander for our AWANA group at church and explain the situation.  I told her our kids wouldn't be coming but she could maybe do a game or movie night for the other kids and she said she would.  Then I felt bad because I didn't want our kids to miss out on their Bible lesson for tonight so I texted Emi (my little sister) and told her she could send Montana and Maverik (my niece, 12 and nephew, 10) over to watch the movie The Prince of Egypt at my house so at least they can learn about Moses during what would have been AWANA time at church.  She sends the kids down and they come in and tell me that their mom sent them over to watch a Bible movie because I was too "sick" (she used air-quotes while rolling her eyes) to go to church.  Then Katie got offended because Emi was acting like she thought I was faking, so she told Emi that I really was sick and that this morning I was in a lot of pain because I was on the toilet trying to pee and it wouldn't come out. To which Emi responded, "Oh I feel so sympathetic for her," in a really sarcastic tone while rolling her eyes and throwing up air-quotes on the word "Sympathetic."  I am so tired of her attitude that my lupus is not real and that I am not really sick.  If I wasn't sick then why am I running to doctor appointments 2 and 3 times a week and having all kinds of tests coming back abnormal?  How is it even logical for her to think that I can fake these blood tests, urinalysis, x-rays, CT scans, ultrasounds, biopsies?  SHIT!  What would it take for her to stop treating me like some kind of liar in front of MY child and MY niece and nephews who adore me?  Why does she try to make me look bad in their eyes?  Is she so insecure that they love me that she has to try and create doubt in their minds about whether I am genuine or not?  I am so sick of her hurtful behavior and as much as I love her, she is making me not want to be around her.  If she wasn't my sister, I don't think I would choose her as a friend.  She doesn't even care about how sick I am or what I'm going through.  She doesn't even ask about my doctor appointments or anything.  The only time she calls me is when she wants me to take care of her kids or pick them up from someplace or take them someplace.  I have friends who call and check on me regularly, send me cards to cheer me up, total strangers I met on Twitter who offer support DAILY and I've never even met them face-to-face.  I think it is pretty sad that I can rely on strangers more than my own flesh and blood.  My mom and my sister should be my best friends, but their attitudes towards my illness have created a giant rift.  Every time they aren't there for me when I need to talk because I'm scared about the things lupus is doing to my body I feel so hurt and rejected.  Every time they make snide remarks about me not being able to work or having to spend a lot of time resting, it really hurts my feelings very deeply.  It makes me feel ganged up against, devalued, uncared for, not good enough, and most of all unwanted.  Since my life doesn't measure up to what they think it should be, they completely discount me.  What they don't realize is that I already feel disappointed in myself.  I feel like having lupus I have let down everyone in my life because now I can never be what I need to be to everyone.  I don't need them shoving it in my face constantly that I'm not as good as they are, and that I'll never be good enough no matter what I ever try to do.  My family has always been my whole life and now I find myself avoiding them more and more because I am so tired if being hurt by them.  My mom wraps her whole life around my sister and I can never have any time alone with my mom.  And if by chance I do get a moment alone with my mom she acts all distracted like her mind is elsewhere and I can tell she isn't even listening to what I say.  I feel so hurt and betrayed and rejected by the very people I should be able to count on the most.  When the three of us are together I can't even talk because they dominate the entire conversation and if I try to talk about myself I get cut off immediately because they don't want to hear it.  I live next door to my mom and dad and if it weren't for my daughter coming home from school everyday, I could die in this house and no one would even notice I was gone.  That's how important I am to my family.  My husband, daughter, and even my ex-husband treat me with more care and concern than my mom and sister.  This lupus shit is scary for me and I should be able to talk to my family about it, but that might take the spotlight off of them for a minute and we certainly can't have that happen. I'm pissed off that every time I'm sick my daughter gets smart ass remarks made to her against her own mother.  I'm pissed off that every time I call my mom she doesn't even answer her phone most of the time and if she does she is ignoring me to talk to whomever is in the room with her and when I catch her with a question and she stays silent I know I might as well have been talking to my dog.  But if I am over visiting my mom and Emi calls, she totally ignores me to talk to Emi until I finally give up and leave. SO I guess from now on I just am going to stop calling them and stop trying to share with them what is going on with me medically because clearly they don't give a shit and I am so sick of having my heart broken over and over waiting for them to think I'm valuable enough to give a damn about.  I'll just stop going over to visit and stop asking my mom to go shopping with me because she tells me no and then I find out she went with my sister instead on the same day!  I have totally isolated myself and they don't even check on me or seem to notice.  And people wonder why I'm so depressed.  I don't even want to live here anymore.  I wish I could sell this house and move far away because the only time they take an interest in me is when they want to criticize me or control me.  Maybe if I were out of sight and out of mind they'd forget I ever existed--I really already feel that way now.  When I die I want to be cremated and I want the inscription on my urn to say, "TOLD YOU I WAS SICK!"

Emotional Lift

As I've made obvious in my past several posts, my health has been rather on the crappy side, which has in turn resulted in my emotional state being down in the dumps.  This emotional state was been worsened by the fact that my husband has been working out of town for almost 3 weeks straight and my Mom's dog (which felt like my dog because we live on the same property and he pretty much lived on my porch) had to be put down when he was hit by a car and was too injured to save. 
His name was Bo and we raised him from a puppy.  He was a very mischievous and naughty boy, but he had a heart of gold and we all loved him (except for the days when we wanted to choke him for destroying anything he could get his mouth on!).  So when he died the whole family was sad and every day when I came home and he wasn't waiting to greet me on my porch, my daughter and I would cry.  My sister and her children cried every time they came over and he wasn't there to harass them as they got out of their car.  I'm pretty sure my dad even shed a very macho tear or two behind those dark sunglasses.  My mom who raised him from the time he was 6 weeks old really took it hard so my sister sent her flowers and I wrote her this poem which I am having made into a grave marker with the above photo on it in remembrance of our very naughty and very loved dog.
Goodbye Bo
Goodbye gentle golden eyes,
Goodbye prints of mammoth size.
Goodbye happy leaping greets,
Goodbye chewed up cushion seats.
Goodbye garden statue muncher,
Goodbye front porch floorboard luncher.
Goodbye manic squirrel pursuits,
And half-eaten children's rubber boots.
Goodbye swimming wet dog shakes,
Goodbye midnight barking wakes.
Goodbye friend who played with logs,
Chewed our cars and chased wild hogs.
Goodbye Bo, your life was short,
But lived like the most joyous sort.
Now you're in Heaven looking down,
Serving as an Angel's clown.
Chasing things down streets of gold,
Forever young and never old.

By: Annie Baker 4/16/11

That poem seemed to help everyone feel a little better because it reminded us all just what a comical dog he had been.  We all knew we wanted to get another dog for the farm too, because it just isn't the same to drive up and not be greeted by a big dog.  At first my parents discussed buying a puppy from a breeder.  I quickly talked them out of that.  I used to volunteer and train dogs with the Humane Society and I know that there are so many wonderful dogs at shelters waiting to be rescued and you can get an adult dog and skip that awful "puppy" stage where everything gets chewed up, pooped on, peed on, etc.  So I showed my parents how to use to see some dogs that were locally available, but since often times ALL the dogs they have aren't posted I suggested we take a trip to the shelter and see what kinds of dogs were there.  We also brought my little dog Suzi to make sure any new dog we found was going to be nice to her because we all share the same property.  My parents' home is on one end of the property and mine is on the other.  We also brought my daughter to make sure the prospective dogs would be good with kids. This is a picture of my little dog.

So, we all loaded up and went to the shelter.  When we got there, there weren't very many dogs and the lady that worked there told us that most of their dogs were at PetSmart for an adoption drive.  So after we walked through and made a mental note of a few possible dogs at the shelter, we headed out to PetSmart to see what other options were available.  As soon as we walked in the door my mom went straight to this very sweet and pretty black lab mix and she knew instantly that she wanted her.  She started talking to the shelter attendant about the dog the lady told her that if that dog did not get adopted today that she was going to be put down very soon because they can only keep them 90 days and they have had her since February.  The lady told my mom that another family had already paid the adoption fees so someone else could have her for free because they weren't able to take the dog in themselves, but they couldn't stand the idea that someone might not be able to pay the $105.00 adoption fee which would be leaving an incredibly sweet dog for dead.  The family that did that even bought toys, leashes, and a collar to give to whomever came along and was willing to take the dog.  That was such a sweet and generous act of kindness on the part of that family to be so concerned for a dog they couldn't even take in to make arrangements so another family could to save the dog's life! When things like that happen, it helps to renew my faith in mankind and it blesses my heart that everyone in the world is not so self absorbed and heartless as it sometimes feels like they are out in the world.  While mom had her eye on that dog, whose name is Izzy, I was immediately attracted to a cinnamon colored purebred Doberman in the back corner.  I had already been looking online for a Doberman to rescue but wasn't sure if I wanted to go through with the one I found because it was all the way in Daytona Beach, FL.  I owned a rescued Doberman years ago and he was the sweetest dog but my landlord at the time wouldn't let me keep him because he was scared of him (even though he had absolutely no reason to be scared because the dog was a gentle giant).  Dobermans, like pit bulls, get a bad wrap because of the way they get portrayed in the media as these vicious attack dogs, when in reality, dogs are going to have the temperament that their owner fosters in them in nearly every case.  This Doberman was sooo sweet and calm and loving.  I was in love at first sight.  We took him out of his cage and he is a BIG boy, probably 75-85 pounds and he went over to my 17 pound Suzi and sniffed her and then licked her on the head with a smile.  A little two year old boy came over and patted his head and the dog licked the top of the kid's head and licked his fingers and was so gentle and sweet to the toddler.  I told mom I wanted to get him but she was terrified of him because he was so big and she has always seen Dobermans portrayed as vicious.  Then I kept begging her to give him a chance and she saw how the dog was acting with all kinds of small breed dogs walking around him and under him and toddlers going over and hugging on him and I reassured her that if he was aggressive in any way we would have already seen a display by that point.  So she slowly warmed up to him and began to see what an angel he was and then she said we could adopt him too!  I was so excited because she had told me before we couldn't have a Doberman on the property because she thought they were too dangerous.  Then the shelter attendant told us he was positive for heartworms and that is why someone turned him in because they couldn't afford the treatment and no one wants to adopt him because of the same reason.  Heartworm treatment is very expensive for a big dog.  I asked the lady if the Humane Society would help with the treatment cost if we agreed to adopt the dog and care for him during his treatment time, which would mean 30 days in confinement and leash walking only because getting the dog excited during treatment causes the heart to pump blood faster and it can cause a clot with the dead heartworms making their way out of the system, which can be fatal.  The Humane Society agreed to pay for the treatment if we would adopt him because otherwise they would have to put him down because they didn't have a foster who could take care of him during the treatment time and no one wanted to deal with that to adopt him.  So I'm so excited that we saved two dogs from being killed and they are going to make great additions to our little farm!  I decided to name the Doberman Chopper because when Dobermans want to play they chop their teeth together at you when they get excited.  He is such a beautiful dog too.

So now while I'm sitting around the house feeling sick and miserable with this crappy lupus flare that we can't seem to get under control, I'll have a sick buddy to commiserate with.  The dogs are being spayed and neutered this weekend and we get to go and pick them up Monday afternoon and I can't wait.  My mom wants the Doberman to be her yard dog, but after he spends a month in my house and I get him trained he is clearly going to be my dog! LOL My dad said the way I treat my animals, I'll have the dog so spoiled he won't want anything to do with my mom, so she needs to plan on that dog being mine. HA HA  I think my dad is right!  I told mom she can visit Chopper when I take him outside.  LOL Now let's just pray that Chopper gets along with our ferrets, Fibbit and Woozle.  I'm going to have to be very careful with that introduction.

So I'm happy to report that I am in better spirits because of all this dog business even though my body is still refusing to get on the happy bandwagon with my mind.  I was telling my niece and nephews about the new dogs coming home Monday and they are all excited too.  Amazing how a couple of dogs can lift everyone's spirits!  Even Suzi is happy that she got to meet new friends today and be part of the screening process, because she is always going to be the top dog around here.