Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Lupus is Lonely

I spent a dreary weekend clouded with depression, loneliness, and despair.  I'm tired of being sick and tired.  I'm sick of opening a mailbox busting with bills I can't pay and past due notices.  I'm so over checking the carport in fear each morning wondering if my vehicle survived another night without being repossessed.  The phone calls from collection agencies are like background noise now, as I ignore them and let them go to voicemail.  What could I say if I were to pick up?  "You can't get blood from a stone."  I'm sure that would really appease them.  The truth is, I'm at one of the lowest points of my life physically, financially, emotionally, and socially--and all thanks to the demon that stalks my entire existence, Lupus.  Let's give him a big round of applause!  He has single handedly managed to take down my whole life like a lion taking down a baby antelope.  I didn't have a chance.  It's awfully hard not to be bitter when I've tried so hard all my life to be as close to perfect as I could get.  The thing about Lupus is, he has a way of knowing all my weaknesses, like my kidney disease, even before I did!  Lupus has proven to me just how imperfect life is, and I am.  And I really loathe him for that.

Lupus has even changed my relationships! I decided to try to get out this weekend so I called my mom Friday night and told her I wanted to go to see a movie with her and my sister on Saturday because my sister's birthday was Sunday.  She replied she didn't know yet what she wanted to do on Saturday.  So Saturday I was hanging around the house waiting to hear from her.  Sometime around mid-day, my brother-in-law calls and asks me if I want to come to a steak dinner he is having for my sister that night.  I told him that my stomach was bothering me, but if I felt better that night I would come over.  I asked him what my sister was doing because I was going to run it past her about going to a movie, and I am informed that she left early that morning to go yardsaling (which is one of my favorite activities), shopping, and out to lunch with mom.  I tried not to sound hurt and quickly got off the phone.  Had I not just called her the night before and asked to go to town with them?  They snuck off without me!  Not even as much as a phone call.  I decided I wasn't feeling well enough to make it to their steak dinner party.  I'd had my share of cutlery use (picking them out of my back) for the day.  Besides I can't even digest steak (another round of applause for Lupus!).  When I asked my mom yesterday why they left me out she said they never know when I'm going to feel good, not feel good, be asleep, not want to be bothered, etc.  Which she does have a point because I do get pretty cranky when people interrupt my sleep (because it's such a precious commodity).

I have three friends who call me fairly regularly to invite me to go do things with them and I usually have to turn them down.  When I really think about it, I can't believe they still call and ask!  The rest of the world it seems, has turned their back on me.  While part of me wants to be left alone when I don't feel good, part of me is hurt when the people I was there for in some of their darkest hours, have not been here for me in mine.  I don't know if it is pure selfishness or if they just don't know HOW to be there for me, but either way, it hurts.  It's pretty depressing to be stuck in your house day in and day out for months at a time when you are used to having a job, friends, etc.  Having a chronic invisible illness, I realize, isn't just hard on me, but also on the people I love.

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